I've only "officially" been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three months but we have been good friends and confidants for several years so it feels much longer than when we decided to slap a label on it and be monogamous. Although we have both been tested recently, I asked him to get tested with me since we are both out of the HIV testing detection window as a monogamous couple. I was not surprised at all when he readily agreed but I emphasized that it was not out of any desire to bareback but that I thought it was important in our relationship that we get tested together, especially as gay men that have frequent anal sex. We had a condom break recently and I have been super paranoid about brushing my teeth after oral sex so I thought getting tested together would improve our sex life by getting me to relax a bit about safer sex best practices.
We were tested and everything was fine, I told him how important it was for me to get tested together and how much it meant to me and our relationship that he was willing to do with me without hesitation. We talked about our monogamous arrangement and made a promise to each other that we weren't going to ever rule out slip-ups in our relationship but that not disclosing a slip-up and getting re-tested would do much more damage to our relationship than having a slip-up which we are willing to forgive. I reiterated that this was not about me wanting to have unprotected sex and that I was fine using condoms indefinitely, which I absolutely am. He told me that it was OK with him if I wanted to start having unprotected sex. Now I find myself wondering if I should. I have had unprotected sex with one person in my life and it's not anything that I felt I was missing before him telling me he was ready whenever I was and I know we both take safer sex very seriously.
I'm in my mid-30s, he is in his early 40s who have both had serious relationships so we aren't crazy kids in love. We have been very good friends for years, so much so that when we told mutual friends there was zero shock and more relief that we finally admitted we both had feelings for each other. The sex is great and I trust him completely. Neither one of us are holding any delusions that we will never have a slip-up and I feel 100% that we both believe putting each other's health at risk and violating that trust would do far more damage, possibly irreparably, than disclosing a slip-up. So is going bareback such a bad idea now? It does seem a bit silly to be using condoms indefinitely with a man I completely trust, who I am monogamous with, that we have approached the issue of safety with each other maturely and have been tested outside of the exclusive window. (Both antibody and RNA.) Three months feels early but any time seems arbitrary after we have been tested and it's not like we went on our first date three months ago. I would have trusted him with my life well before that.
Boyfriends Are Ready Ever?
Fuck your boyfriend without a condom, BARE.
Fuck your HIV-negative, recently-tested boyfriend without a condom, because you feel safe with him, because you've both tested, because you feel like you can trust him, and because you can have safe/safer sex without a condom. Risk can't be eliminated, of course, and people have been infected with HIV in committed relationships after "doing everything right," e.g. after testing, waiting, testing again, and swearing to be monogamous. Because people are people and people screw up. But you two have already agreed to the hardest and most important part of what they used to call negotiated safety: agreeing to confess to a mistake/slip-up—unsafe sex outside the relationship—and then go back to condoms while you test, wait, and test again.
As I'm sure you're aware, BARE, fluid bonding is a thing. So, BARE, fuck your boyfriend without a condom and make a rule that if either of you ever has a "slip-up" then that slip-up will include a condom and, if it doesn't include a condom (slip-up on top of slip-ups), it will be disclosed immediately—and since you don't want to do anything that might cause either of you to hesitate to disclose (and thereby put each other at additional & avoidable risk), you both have to pledge that a slip-up, if immediately disclosed, will not lead to a breakup.
Obviously, we live in a different time now. HIV is far from eradicated, and millions are still at risk for infection. Young people, especially young people of color, are at particular risk. But there are ways to reduce risk: Condoms, yes, but also PrEP. Some guys have a difficult time using condoms, and instead of shaming them or treating them like pariahs, there are alternative routes to safer sex—like PrEP, fluid bonded relationships, less risky options (like oral sex), or fully non-penetrative options.
It's also important to point out that while new preventative measures like PrEP and treatment as prevention (TasP) are incredibly effective, there are also other sexually transmitted infections to worry about. Unfortunately, we may be on the cusp of a major STI outbreak, an outbreak that appears to be fueled, in part, by more men choosing to forgo condoms after getting on PrEP. It's not irrational choice, of course, but it's one that can have unintended consequences.
Be safe/safer, BARE, and be smart. But don't be paranoid. And go ahead and fuck your sane, rational, and responsible boyfriend sanely, rationally, responsibly, and without a condom.
Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!