Hello! Did you watch last night's Walking Dead season finale, which was simultaneously fun and terrible? Good. Let's chat about it after the jump, and beware: There are tons of SPOILERS and heroic CG tigers. Let's get to chitty-chatting!
Okay, here's what I'm thinking about last night's season finale, "The First Day of the Rest of Your Life."
1) Sasha—who was supposed to die two episodes ago, so she can go star in an upcoming Star Trek reboot—is jamming on some sweet iPod beats in a dark enclosure (which we will learn about later), and drifting in and out of consciousness. She's fantasizing/hallucinating a convo with her old boyfriend G.I. Ginger AND I'M SORRY BUT EVERY TIME THEY KISS I SAY "EW!" (You just know he has three-day-old bagel and cream cheese in that droopy mustache.) Cut to Negan visiting Sasha in her cell, telling her that she's going to help him exact his revenge on Rick's Rangers by killing three of them. She tells him that only one has to die—and that's her. Negan for absolutely no reason at all says"OKAY!"And this is just one of the reasons why this season has sucked a touch of ass.
2) Meanwhile back at Alexandria, Scarface Dwight is trying to convince Daryl not to stick a knife in his eye, while Tara chants, "doitdoitdoitdoitdoit."Scarface says he hates Negan's guts and lets the gang know that the Saviors are on the way. He offers to help by going out by himself to chop down some trees over the road to slow them down, and for absolutely no reason at all, Rick says "OKAY!" Because as mentioned earlier, season sucks a touch of ass.
3) Meanwhile over at the Hilltop, Maggie worries over taking her people into battle, and it is boring.
4) Meanwhile over at the Kingdom, King Ezekiel and his CG tiger convince Morgan (and his now thankfully pointy stick) to join them in their fight against the Saviors and it is boring. WILL THIS FREAKING 90 MINUTE SHOW START ALREADY?!?
5) Meanwhile, the Garbage Pail Kids show up to help Rick's Rangers at Alexandria, and Jadis tells Michonne that after all is done, "Me am have sex coitus with sweaty Rick, am yes?"(Can someone please tell me how these are the only people in the post-apocalypse world who talk like a cross between Hulk and Yoda?) Anyhoo, Rosita is setting up explosives while Michonne is sharing a sniper's nest with another monosyllabic GPK who tells her, "We win!" This is weird, but we find out why it's weird later.
6) Meanwhile, back at Savior Central, and for exactly no reason at all, Negan wants Sasha to ride to Alexandria in a coffin. And Sasha says to Eugene, "Hey, thanks for that poison pill you gave me, and again for exactly no reason at all, how long will the ride take because I plan on killing myself and popping out later as a zombie, oops did I say that out loud?"
7) The Saviors arrive at Alexandria, and Rick discovers he's been betrayed by both Eugene AND Scarface Dwight ("Et tu, Scarface??"), but when he gives the signal to Rosita to blow them up, nothing happens—and the Garbage Pail Kids turn their guns on Rick's Rangers! ("Et tu, monosyllabic Garbage Pail Kids??") Happily for all, now-Zombie Sasha pops out of her coffin and attempts to eat Negan's spleen. She fails, but eats a couple more Saviors along the way as a big gun battle breaks out. (FINALLY!!)
8) Michonne is getting the crap beat out of her by that cute GPK who said, "We Win." (Ohhhh, I get it now.) Meanwhile, Negan has an awesome opportunity to bat bash Carl's Jr., but starts monologuing instead! This gives the Hilltoppers and the Kingdom forces time to ride over the hill and stop the killing with... CG ATTACK TIGER! (Quick question: If one were going to stop a murder, which travels faster—a bullet or a running tiger? Answer: The bullet, but an attacking CG tiger is infinitely cooler, so I'll allow it.)
9) Rick's Rangers chase away the Saviors and GPKs, and after Maggie dispatches and buries Zombie Sasha (who will now get beamed up to the Enterprise), both the Alexandrians and the Saviors begin preparing for... WAR!! Annnnnd... fin.
10) Okay, that was freaking ridiculous. Lots of weird inconsistencies, lots of nonsensical plot points, and some TERRRRRRIBLE acting. (Not Sasha, she was pretty good.) However, as fake as it was, the CG tiger was fun, as was the battle... so at least this very bumpy season ended on a somewhat high note? WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ON THIS? Share it in the comments, and I suppose I'll see you next season! Byeeeeeeee!
